You know the feeling when you’ve realized you’ve done something wrong (even accidentally)? And how much worse it is when you’re in the time between the realization and when the one person who could relieve you of your guilt hasn’t yet?
The nervousness.
Anxiety.
Feeling like you could puke, or cry, or both?
It’s like being in limbo. Like you can’t function properly because all your circuits are set to high alert and telling you you’re no longer worthy of “normal” life (at least not until you’ve been absolved). Your whole day (personal universe, perhaps) gets drawn into the obsession, making it impossible to operate at all, let alone at full capacity. (Let alone trying to write.)
I’m sure it has something to do with adrenaline. Because bodily functions not necessary to basic survival seem to shut down—at least for me, though I admit I experience high anxiety, so that could be the problem.
And even when you are absolved, it still feels like derailment. Like you can no longer do the things you wanted to before because you have to run away instead.
Maybe it’s just me, I can’t tell. But after the scare I had today, it’s increasingly harder to rein myself back in and try to focus on my story.
To provide you with context (in case you’re dying to know)
My mom recently mowed our front lawn—something she never does because our neighbors are so kind. She left the gate open without telling me—something that wouldn’t matter because we’ve recently put down our own dog. Only today I decided to bring our aforementioned neighbor’s dog over while they are away at a wedding.
You can imagine what happened next, but I’ll spare you the horror and let you know the dog is fine and back home completely unharmed. And they aren’t even upset. In fact, this isn’t the first time he’s escaped (apparently he feels the need to be free).
But none of that alleviates how I feel now. It doesn’t quite help me approach the page again either. I can only guess that movement of some kind will help me “reset” myself and go from there.
(# Of words I wrote for my manuscript today: 307)